My Days of Carrying Baby Elle Carmela

Monday January 9^th

18 week appointment with Dr. Moneke…I was told that he only gives ultrasounds 15 weeks and earlier and wasn’t planning to give me one (at this point I had already had 2 and the baby was perfectly healthy). I asked him if he would give me one so he could try and identify the gender, and I’m sure that he could see how anxious I was because he kindly agreed to give me one. He wasn’t able to see the gender, but he noticed two large black circles behind the baby’s head, and he was also a little concerned about how large the baby’s legs looked. He told me to get it checked out ASAP and a few hours later I received a more detailed US, once again the gender wasn’t determined, but the US tech saw the same thing he did, but we’d have to wait for the final results…

Wednesday January 11^th

Consult with Dr. Moneke to receive my results…he reads them under his breath, I hear him say something about cysts…but that was about it. I anxiously waited for answers, questioned him the best I can, but am only told that I needed to go see a specialist. He said that he didn’t trust results, and didn’t want to tell me anything…I am told that I needed to get looked at ASAP and being that the Dr. that he wanted to send me to was only in the office on Mondays, meant I’d have to wait for a few days to get more answers.

In the meantime…I’m not too worried…the baby was very active, had a strong heart beat and by the looks of it, it didn’t seem like we had anything to worry about. When Dr. Moneke was giving me my US I felt the baby kicking where he was pushing, and it felt so good to feel the baby inside of me. Everything seemed okay…

Monday January 16^th

A day I will never forget…I receive an US from Dr. Brar…although he was speaking so fast, and using so many words I didn’t understand, I was able to understand when he said that our baby’s heart will fail…It all seems like such a blur, and Michael was much better at internalizing the information while I sobbed and wept over the bad news. I tried my best to understand, but the large circles behind the baby’s neck are pockets of fluid connected to the baby. They baby is absorbing the fluid which is causing the body to swell, and soon (I say soon not really knowing a real timeline) the fluid will reach the heart which will cause it to fail. We are told that baby most likely won’t survive much longer, and that if it makes it to term, the baby would only be able to survive for a few days.

I replay the doctors words in my head, and although I know it’s a reality, there’s still a part of me that doesn’t feel like it really happened and that we are really living in the reality of losing our baby…

Tuesday January 17^th

A genetic counselor calls to give us the results of our amniocentesis test (where they draw fluid from the amniotic sac). We are told that our baby has Turner Syndrome…a few hours earlier I made the decision to know the gender of our baby…I knew that I wouldn’t be carrying this baby for much longer, and I wanted to try and be as close to my baby as possible. I hoped that this decision would give me some comfort or closure and at this point I was searching for any way possible to find even a little bit of peace…One of the first things the genetic counselor asked us was if we wanted to know the gender. I was not expecting this and how grateful I am to know that I was prepared to know whether or not we were going to have a son or daughter…sadly, Michael shook his head “no” but as the counselor proceeded to tell us that she will be able to better explain the defects he accepted the fact that we had to find out. Before I talk a little bit about Turner Syndrome, let me remind you that before our doctor even knew that she had TS he was able to predict our baby’s life JUST by her condition. Unfortunately, TS has caused life threatening symptoms which will cause our baby to pass and not have a life here on Earth…No…we are not God, nor is our doctor, we cannot know without a doubt what is going to happen, but through prayer, acceptance, the priesthood, and the reality of the situation, we know that our sweet little daughter will return to our Heavenly Father. I want you to know that I also have faith in miracles…they happen every day…but, I have to know that no matter what, our daughter is a miracle, me staying healthy and then being able to get pregnant again will be a miracle, Hunter is a miracle, and although she may not be healed to have a full healthy life here on Earth, she will still and always will be our little miracle…I’ve come to accept that sometimes we have to change what we want our miracle to be…There are females who have TS and are alive and living healthy lives, but every case is very different and unfortunately the cards that we were dealt don’t give us any hope of that being our case…If it was supposed to be that she had a chance, I’m sure that the doctor would have given us different answers.

Wednesday January 18^th

Only two days had passed, and I felt like it was the first time that I was able to face the day with somewhat normal activities. With that being said…I want to tell you what my biggest struggles were…when we found out her life threatening condition at Dr. Brar’s office on Monday, the option of terminating the baby came up…this is something that as a mother you would never, ever imagine would even have to think about…then there was the option of possibly being induced very early…some other things that I had to think about was that after 20 weeks of pregnancy it is usually considered a still born, not a miscarriage, (I will be 20 weeks on the 25^th) and then after 25 weeks you are required to bury your child and last of all…if we decided to wait it out, and go to term (38-40 weeks) how will my body be able to deliver? What are the risks with all these options? Is my baby in pain? How will I emotionally be able to hold on to my baby if she is strong enough to make it to term? I am in complete limbo. I cannot yet grieve the loss of my baby, so I continue to protect and love her the best that I can while she is a part of me. The hardest part of this all is that we don’t know what lies ahead…we just know that no matter what we will have to face it and get through it…

Thursday January 19^th

We meet with our Bishop…after his counsel and guidance we feel that we should give our baby every chance to live that we can…we wait and let Heavenly Father take her when it’s her time…It is that night that I am blessed with health and we are told that our daughter will eternally be with our family.

Friday January 20^th

Today…I wake up thinking about the decision that we made… this decision means that we would be about five weeks from knowing whether or not we will have to bury our sweet daughter. No parent should ever have to see the grave of one of their children…I’m still in awe and disbelief that this has happened to us. The days go by very slowly and I look forward to when “this too shall pass”. We meet with Dr. Brar and Dr. Moneke on Monday. It will be nice to get some more answers and feel like we are moving forward. Aside from those updates, I’ve discovered that creating (crafts), and being productive is helping me to cope. I’ve been able to get back to teaching a little bit…it helps take my mind off of everything…but I’m afraid that there’s going to be those days where I just won’t feel like doing anything…it’s hard for me to accept that not only has this tragedy happened, but I have to allow myself to figure out how to cope, grieve and find peace. I want you to know that I appreciate all the support that we have gotten so far. Parents of my students have been so wonderful and understanding, my close friends have been an amazing listening ear and have cried with me, our parents have been there every step of the way, I’ve had numerous people tell me that they are or already have put our names in the temple and our wonderful Bishop is going to ask the ward to fast for us this Sunday. This is a very tragic and devastating time, but we feel the prayers and love of everyone who is there for us. It means more than you know. I will do my best to keep everyone updated…Thank you for your sweet messages, and prayers.

Sincerely, Rosalie, Michael, and Baby Elle Carmela