Day by Day

Monday January 23rd

Early morning appointment with Dr. Brar...on our way to the doctors Michael and I talk about how it was only one week ago that we found out that we were going to lose our baby. Usually, weeks go by pretty quickly, but I can honestly say that this has been the longest week of my life. Time just seems to be moving so slowly, but a part of me is grateful for that, because it means that I get to hold and carry my sweet daughter for just that much longer. On the other hand, at first I thought that time would help me to cope and get better...then I started realizing, more and more, that the more time passed, the closer I was getting to the inevitable...I have often asked myself, how does a mother endure this torment?

They started off with an ultrasound at Dr. Brar's office...Michael is able to see all the images and he said that even after one week, he sees more cysts around her body, the ones she already had were bigger and the swelling was worse. He said that it was hard to even make out any images of what a normal baby would look like...somehow her heartbeat is still normal...the nurse told us that there was more fluid around her heart. When she asked if I wanted to look, all I could do was cry, and I quickly said, "no". Next week, I'm going to prepare myself to look, and I kind of wish I had today. The doctor predicted that she could pass anywhere from days to weeks from now. I will now be monitored weekly...

A few hours later we went and saw Dr. Moneke for the first time since we found out. Bless my doctor and his compassionate heart... He listened so intently and we could really tell that he cared. We told him our decision to let our daughter pass in our Heavenly Father's time and he told us that he will stand by whatever decision we make. When I asked him if he had seen other cases like this, he said that he had, but the majority of the mothers had decided to terminate. He was very good about answering all my questions and I'm so grateful that he will be there to help deliver my baby. Unfortunately, he will be leaving the country for two weeks in February, but I hope that he will be around when I need him. One of my fears right now is having to go through labor...as all mother's know, it's not easy, and although I wouldn't be delivering a full term baby I do not look forward to experiencing any physical pain...the pain of having Hunter was very worth it, because in the end I had a baby to take home...when I asked about an epidural my doctor said "Absolutely, why should we make you go through pain when you don't need to." That eased my worries a little bit.

Once again, I would like to thank all those who have sent their condolences, prayed for us, and just told us that they are thinking about and love us. I've had some mothers share their stories with me, and that has meant a lot. I have been amazed by the compassion of not only long time friends, but people who have only known us for only a short time. I know that I am very quick to tell someone that I am praying for them, or thinking about them, and never did I think that I would be on the other side. Thank you for your empathy...After today, we feel a little bit closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, yet nothing about this feels easier and there isn't anything that will help us to feel peace except to stay close to our Heavenly Father and have faith in His plan.

Sincerely, Rosalie, Michael and baby Elle