Well...I made it...
As I think about this last year, I mainly think about what I have learned.
I have learned that joy is SO much sweeter after you have experienced unimaginable heartbreaking sorrow.
This year, I bawled my eyes out at Hunters birthday party because I appreciated him, and loved him so much more than I could have ever imagined. He has been my little, smiling, ray of sunshine on some of the hardest days of my life. I remember when he came to visit me in the hospital, even though he was as crazy as can be, he was such a happy little guy that just loved life. I never thought I could love him more than I did, but after losing Elle, it made me love him more.
When I heard the baby's heart beat for the first time, I sobbed. The melody and lyrics, "Rejoice, rejoice" kept playing my head. How grateful I was to carry another one of Heavenly Father's children, and for the strength He was giving me. It was like a joy that I have never felt before.
I have been able to compare the joy that I feel now, to the joy I felt before, and I wish I could explain it and eloquently put it into words, but all I can say is that it feels different. It feels greater, I have more gratitude for blessings in my life, and like I said, it is sweeter.
I have learned that it is your choice to let a trial make you
or break you...
I have an immense amount of gratitude for the strength I have gained throughout my life to help me get through losing our baby. I don't know how I did it...and honestly, even though I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, I wish I didn't have to experience the heartache, but I easily and quickly remember, that there is someone else involved in this plan, and that is my husband, and more importantly, my daughter. This challenge was not about me, and although there was a lot I needed to gain from this trial, I also needed to be an instrument in the Lords hands to bring my daughter to Earth.
I have learned that it's not always easy to fight the negative
parts of a trial...
Please know that life has not been peaches and cream...I would hate for people to think, wow, she got through that easily! I am WAY more emotional, I have let other people's actions towards me get the better of me, in some aspects I have become cynical, and even though it has become easier to sympathize, there are times when I think...oh you think that's hard? (and please know that I'm just referring to petty little things that people complain about, I'm not THAT mean ha) I'm still working through the negative affects of my trial, but I just remind myself that I'm not perfect, and at least I'm not in denial and think that everything is rainbows, lollipops and puppies.
BUT, I do know that the good has outweighed the bad.
I have learned what is important...
All is can say is, there was only ONE thing that made sense throughout this whole life changing experience, and that was the gospel. Even when I didn't understand, or didn't want to, I at least knew that because of the gospel I would have my little girl forever. I was able to find peace.
One year ago...
I think about this time last year...it was horrible. An absolute nightmare. Even though this time last year was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, I do know that nothing will compare to that moment when I knew that my little girl was perfect in Heaven and that she will be watching over me and be waiting for me until I get there. Even though I knew I was going to lose her, and I so badly wanted her to stay with me, I had faith that she had a plan. I have once again learned that life goes on, and that if you want everything to be okay, you'll find a way to be okay, and you'll count blessings, even if you feel like the list is really short. Just keep counting and day by day the list will grow.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
Lastly, I want to say thank you...I actually have some personal thanking to do. Even though, I was so incredibly grateful for support and love, it was sometimes hard for me to respond when I would get comments and messages. Well, a year has passed, so I think I'm ready! Again, thank you for prayers, thoughts, messages, and love. Even if you didn't know what to say, you still said something, and sometimes that meant more than your actual words. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I'm ready to start a new year, and celebrate my little Elle's "Angel"versaries until we meet in Heaven.