I can't even describe to you how I feel...but I'm ready to share the story of when I laid my little baby down to rest...
Monday morning I spent about one hour on the phone with my insurance, and then my medical group, and then Loma Linda hospital. It was all kind of frustrating, especially since I didn't get to go see my specialist in the morning, but we were told that we could go see my OB in the afternoon.
Dr. Moneke didn't get in the office until 2pm and the hours leading up to that 2 o' clock hour were soooo long. I remember looking at the clock and just watching the minutes go by...I was so nervous, and I knew that there was a very good chance that we would soon have to say goodbye to our baby Elle. Even though I knew that time was going to come sooner or later, I knew very well that there wasn't going to be anything to prepare me for that moment. I was going crazy waiting and waiting and I tried to find little things to take up time...
THE LAST ULTRASOUND
Just reading the words the "last" ultrasound puts me into tears...that was it...her heart could no longer handle her physical ailments....
The last time I got an ultrasound I couldn't bring myself to look. I can't linger on the fact that that would have been the last time I would have seen her alive, but I decided that no matter what, the next time I got an u/s, I would look. So, when we get into the exam room I asked my doctor if I could look at her before he told me whether or not her heart stopped. I looked...and even on a little screen, in black and white, she was beautiful, and she was mine.
Finally, I told the doctor that I was done and I waited for the news...I laid there...and waited and waited while he searched for her little heart beat. The week leading up to this moment I thought about how she can probably hear my heart beat and how I wish she could take the strength from mine, and just keep holding on. I thought...just listen to mine, and follow it, and you'll be okay...
The doctor was silent while he looked, and I'm sure he wished he could tell me that he could find it, but when I looked up, I saw Michael's face, and he shook his head, "no". He could see that there wasn't anything there, and the moment finally came that I never, ever thought would come. A little bit of peace came over me, knowing that she was home in Heaven, but unfortunately that peace can't even surpass all of the other feelings of knowing that this little girl wasn't going to ever come home with me. I laid there and cried...
We decided to go straight to the hospital, and I just have to share that before we left the doctors office, Dr. Moneke gave me a hug and reassured me that he would be there for the delivery. How grateful I am for my doctor...although this whole experience has been a nightmare, there have been little reminders that my Heavenly Father still loves me, and the blessing of my doctor is one of those tender mercies that I am very grateful for.
THE DELIVERY
I don't know why I thought that being induced with a 22 week old wouldn't take very much time, but by the time everything was done, it was the length of an actual labor...and it was absolutely horrible. For those of you that know me, know that I have a huge phobia of needles. I can't even look at them without shuddering, and even more, I just can't stand anything medical done to me. So, I'm sure that you can imagine that going through labor, and not getting the prize at the end, was incredibly...insert every horrible word you can think of. It started with getting the stupid I.V., which hurt so bad (I do NOT remembering it hurting so bad when I had Hunter, so I wasn't just being a wuss) and that was the first sight of pain...I sobbed while she stuck me with the needle, partly because it hurt so bad and because I knew what everything was leading up to. I remember looking into Michael's eyes, and I know that he could see, not only the physical pain I was feeling, but that my heart, at this point didn't feel broken...it just felt shattered, and completely dead...a piece of my heart died with hers, and although Michael felt pain too, from the look in his eyes, I knew that he wished he could take away all of my pain...
Once they got my I.V. in, they had to do some lab work...and as the lab tech. watched me cry I'm sure the last thing he wanted to do was poke me with another needle...so as he gently prepped me, he quietly asks, "So, what are you having, a boy or girl?"...I knew she was a girl, but what do I say???? "She would be a girl..." He gets quiet and I could tell that he realized why I was so upset. When he finished he looks me in the eyes and says, so sincerely, "You take care, okay?" Thank you again for another tender mercy...
After being admitted, there was a shift change and my new nurse walks in. She was young, and seemed very sweet. I could tell that there were tears in her eyes, and as she introduced herself, she tells me that she's sorry if she cries all night...my eyes well up with tears, and I thank her for crying, because it shows me that she cares. She assured me that she did care, and once again I knew that I was being watched over.
Looking back it all kind of seems like a blur...but I want to tell you something I clearly remember, and that I will always remember for the rest of my life. Once I was admitted, and had a few quiet minutes, I decided to gain some comfort amid the chaos, and I opened up a random scripture...I love reading the four gospels, so I chose something out of there and I was lead to Matthew chapter 8.
2 And, behold, there came a aleper and worshipped him, saying, Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.
3 And Jesus put forth his hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be thou clean. And immediately his leprosy was acleansed.
I know, without a doubt, that miracles happen everyday. People are saved, healed, and are able to escape death, but only when it is our Heavenly Fathers will...I remember when my Opa died, and my Oma was so distraught, and wondered why Jesus Christ didn't save her husband. She would say, "He healed those people, so why not Opa?" My answer, during that time, was that it wasn't His will for Opa to be healed. Well...as I laid in my hospital bed and read about our Saviors power to heal, I knew that my Baby Elle was healed. She was in Heaven with her perfect little body and she would be waiting for me. How grateful I am to know that...because when I finally got to see her, and see the absolute distress her body was in, amidst all the heart ache, I was able to be grateful that she was healed...
After about 8 hours of being induced, the time finally came to deliver her. I decided to not have an epidural because I wanted to be completely aware of everything going on, physically and mentally. The second she started to crown, how grateful I was for when I got an epidural with Hunter, because that did NOT feel good...she was right there, and the doctor wasn't there yet...so I couldn't even push, so I tried to hold her and I was shaking, and it hurt, and I couldn't think. For those of you that have gone through labor, know that small moment of when everything just doesn't seem to make sense, you feel pain, you have all these emotions going through you, your adrenaline has kicked in, and then it finally happens...those few seconds when you go from being pregnant...to not...once I felt her leave me, I cried the most depressing tears I have ever cried in my life...she was gone...I didn't have her inside of me anymore, I could no longer carry her, I couldn't look down at my tummy and think, "It's okay...Mommy has you safe and sound". At that moment all I wanted was to maybe hear a cry, or something, just to tell me that she was alive...because that's how it's supposed to be, you have a baby, the baby cries, you get to hold the baby, you nurse her, hold her, feel her heartbeat...Once again, I can't even describe the feelings I felt...
Dr. Moneke finally got there after I delivered. (It happened so fast he didn't even make it in time) I had a few big fears going into labor...the side affects of being induced (I was induced with cytotec) nausea and diarrhea (sry...tmi) and my placenta not coming out...I did NOT want a D and C. I also had a big fear of going into labor at home when Michael wasn't around...Heavenly Father knew my fears, and once again, I was taken care of. None of my fears became a reality.
Once everything settled down...Dr. Moneke talked with me...he is a very quiet and meek man...and you can tell that he thinks about every word he says. He asked me if I had held her yet...if I named her, told me that I need to heal not only physically, but emotionally, and that they can take pictures...etc. Before he left he gave me a hug, and how I grateful I was for his compassion...He was also told me that I had to stay in the hospital for 12 more hours...luckily they didn't put me in postpartum, but those 12 hours of just laying there were sooo long. I couldn't sleep, even though I had just been awake all night, and there wasn't anything I wanted to do but just go home. I did have some visitors that brought some joy to my day...thank you Julie for bringing me goodies, and a friendly smiling face, the Gonzales's for making me feel special, my Aunt came too (before the delivery) both parents stayed all night through the long process, and Michael's whole family came the next day and brought the best visitor of all, my little bug. Oh, how I love him...when we first arrived at the hospital, I thought about the last time I was there, and the joy we experienced bringing our first baby into this world...what a difference of emotions...but I was able to hold on to some of that joy, and know that no matter what, I still had my sweet child to come home to when this was all done.
After Dr. Moneke left, it was now time to hold my little 14 ounce, 8 inch little baby girl...At this point I hadn't even looked at her yet...Michael saw a lot more than I did. I remember looking at him, and he had tears in his eyes, and I asked him if she was beautiful, and he smiled, and said, "yes". I vividly remember the feeling of holding her...I think about that time a lot...I can feel the weight of her in my arms...she didn't look anything like what a 22 week old baby should look like. They gently wrapped her up in a blanket because of how fragile she was. Michael was the only one that got to see her whole little body...Both of our Mom's were there, and also Michael's Dad...we passed her around, and we loved her. We could see the large cyst on her neck, her body was swollen, and was so swollen that her skin didn't even look like skin...they couldn't even get a hand print...but I was able to get foot prints, there were probably only one inch long. My poor, poor baby girl...but as I looked at her, and all of her Earthly imperfections caused by the severeness of her disorder, I remembered the scriptures that I had read...she was healed...she was perfect. I know that if she looked like what she should have, it would have been difficult to understand why she didn't make it, but because she looked so sick, how grateful I was that she no longer had to struggle for life.
Leaving the hospital without a baby was so sad...and it was only a foreshadow to the sadness that I would experience in the days ahead.
LIFE
Where do I begin...first of all...you do NOT realize how much baby stuff there is out there...EVERYWHERE...until that's all you're thinking about. Ya, I thought about baby's ALL the time when I was pregnant, or when I had my little guy...but...well...I'm sure I don't really have to explain. I get headaches when I'm out in public, I don't want to be social, I hardly talk on the phone (big shocker...I know), I don't even know what I want. I had a special friend come visit me a few days after everything had happened, and she had recently lost her Mom. She said it perfectly when she talked about how it's almost like I have to live a different life from the one I did before...it's so true. I think about one little thing, and I start crying, I look down, and realize there's no baby bump there anymore, I think about what my life was going to be like, on, and on, and on. You don't really realize how things will affect you until you are going through them. How I felt before is so different from how I feel now. I think about those days leading up to the one day when she passed. Even though they were pure torment, I took everyday and became more and more attached to the baby I carried inside of me. As each day went on, the more and more I didn't want to lose her. Someone told me that they were praying, that if it was Heavenly Father's will, that I would have her for just one more day...and now there isn't one more day...and it's been days since she's been gone. I didn't know her, I didn't get to hug and kiss her, or sing to her, and I didn't realize that I would miss, so badly, something that I never even had. I think about her name...and how we had her name picked out before we even knew that the baby was a girl...it's like she was really meant to be our baby Elle Carmela...
The other day one of my friends asked me how I was doing? I honestly told him that I'm the worst I've ever been in my life...my world seems so out of place...but...and yes...luckily there is a but...I am learning. Learning to find joy, trying to move forward, and trying to remember all those tender mercies that I have and am still being blessed with. On Tuesday I went to the temple, and being there gave me just enough courage and faith to move on. I know that the temple is the House of the Lord, and I knew that if I went I would feel close to my baby girl. There is joy in righteous doing...it's amazing how you can live life normally, and then something happens, and you have to actually search for joy and peace. I've been searching, and trying so hard, and although it's little by little, I find what I'm looking for. I rely on the gospel and my faith, and the word "rely" is an understatement.
How grateful I am for the prayers of others that have helped me through this difficult time...I've gotten flowers, mostly pink tulips...which will forever be Elle's flower, sympathy cards, dinners brought to us, CD's with inspirational music, Mickey ears from Disneyland that say, "Baby Elle 1/31/12" and someone even bought me a star named after Elle so that she will always be shining down on me. It's been hard with most of my close friends living so far away, but they've been there to listen and cry with me. I've missed my students, and was glad to start teaching again this week, and I've been able to slowly move forward...
I've been putting off writing this, because I knew that it would take a lot of heart to get through it, but I'm doing it...
Lastly, I just want to say how grateful I am to know where my baby girl is, and to know that she is waiting for me. There's hardly one second that goes by when I don't think about her. I know that she will eternally be mine, and that Michael will always be her Daddy. We look forward to being with her...and who knows if I will be blessed with another daughter, but how grateful I am to know that my first daughter was too special to be here on Earth. I have found joy in her, and she has already made me a better Mom.
Love, Rosalie, Michael, and Baby Elle
