It has been 14 days since I was told that I was going to lose my little baby...everyday I wake up, and I think about this gift that is inside of me, a little baby who's heart beat is still hanging on. My morning thoughts have pretty much been the same for the past 14 days...I wonder if today will be the day that I have to say goodbye...and I wonder how I'm going to do it. I don't know how many more days there will be when I have to wake up and ask myself that question but part of me is okay with it, because then that means that I don't have to say goodbye to this precious life that I carry inside of me...but I know that she needs to go home to be with her Heavenly Father.
It has been 20 days since my doctor first saw something...never did I think that that little check up would lead us to where it has today...
It has been about 105 days since we found out that our little family was going to be expecting a new little bundle of joy...and it has also been about that many days since we saw that little flicker of light on the ultrasound screen...a little heart beat...a heart beat that has forever changed our lives. I think about those days a lot...I remember the happiness I felt when I saw those two little lines, and when I heard that tiny heart beat. It has been quite the journey.
Yesterday, I finally got around to checking my voice messages, and I had a message from Dr. Brar's office saying that they have to cancel my appointment (it's tomorrow, Monday) because I have been transferred to Loma Linda hospital...I was very confused and shocked. I thought to myself, only people in serious conditions usually have to go there (unless there insurance is originally there of course)...and that can't be me! Of course I couldn't even call my insurance to figure out what I needed to do, and the maternity clinic was closed, so that meant that I'd have to wait...I was fine with the doctors I had, I was okay with the plan that we had for me, I was even more okay with delivering at St. Mary's because it's 5 minutes from Grandma and Grandpa's house where Hunter will most likely be, and it's where I know my surroundings and feel comfortable. Luckily, I got a lot of comforting and encouraging words from a lot of wonderful people, which gave me some peace, yet I still have fears. We are now going to get a second opinion and I'm worried that it could be different, and although we are ultimately in control, I don't want to be confused or have to make any different decisions. As the days pass, I wait for my Monday morning appointment, and tomorrow we would have been able to find out, first thing, whether or not her heart had stopped and if our loving Heavenly Father had decided to take her home. I've decided that that's how I want to find out...I don't want to all of a sudden go into labor, or start bleeding, or possibly have my water break, etc. Who knows where I would be when any of those things could happen, Michael could be down the hill at work, I'd most likely have Hunter with me...etc. So, ya, if you can't tell, I'm kind of scared about how everything's going to happen, so I wait and wait for my ultrasound and I really hope I'll be able to get one tomorrow.
I can honestly say that I've never felt so broken down in my whole entire life, but somehow I make it through each day, and everyday I discover something new...like today I realized while I was taking to a very dear friend, that because Heavenly Father knows what you are about to go through, He will prepare you. Today, I had questions for my dear sweet husband, and while I asked through all my tears if maybe we are going through this because we need to be prepared for something else, he replied, "Or maybe we are going through this because we are strong enough." Although I don't feel strong enough, I've been able to do some soul searching that I never would have done if it wasn't for this trial, and I have to remind myself and realize that I am getting through it...so there has to be some strength in there somewhere.
I am still waiting for when, "This too shall pass..." and although I have many fears and worries, I will always know that time will always move forward, and we have to move forward with it.
Yesterday, I saw the picture below...and it sums up everything right now...tomorrow I shall try again, because as of right now, that's all I can do, get through this day by day. For the first time in my life, I've really had to think about what makes my happy...at first I thought crafting and creating could help...and then it didn't...and then we went out for sushi (I've always felt like sushi can cure anything) and I was ready to go home before I was even done eating...I watched American Idol...I just kind of fast forward through...I've been able to teach a little bit...and it helped a little...I've thought about Disneyland, or taking a trip, which can always make me happy...and even the thought of it doesn't really help. This is honestly a very, very sad time for me...but I hold tight to the gospel and my family, I constantly listen to hymns and uplifting music, and I find courage to endure through this trying time.
Once again, thank you for your kind words, thoughts, prayers...I have been amazed by those who have taken the time to really reach out to me. Thank you doesn't seem like enough, but know that I am sincerely grateful for you.
Love, Rosalie, Michael and baby Elle