Two years ago

Two years ago today...

I can honestly say that today, and the next 24 hours were the longest seconds, minutes, and hours of my entire life...

I remember watching the clock, and seeing every minute go by, as I anxiously waited for my appointment. It was in the two o' clock hour. It was torture. I knew, very well, that today could be the day that I would have to say goodbye to my little girl. I carried her for 154 days...for 154 days, I had a little piece of Heaven inside of me. 

I thought last year was difficult. 

This year, I think about how she would be 2 years old. I think about the pretty dresses that she would be wearing, how I would be painting her nails, singing songs together,  cuddling...the list could go on, and I ask myself, why? Why do I think about this and feel the pain of a broken heart. Of course, it's much worse this time of year, I don't think I'm this weepy all year long, but there are definitely things that make it worse, like thinking about how she would be at family members weddings...Christmas...having a birthday party, etc. 

Her song.

My song for Elle is "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. Whenever I hear it, I think about her. "I have loved you for a thousand years, and I will love you for a thousand more...how to be brave, how can I love when I'm afraid...I have died every day waiting for you..."

About two weeks ago Hunter and I went to Disneyland. I turned on the radio, and this song came on. I started to cry, but quickly changed it as I didn't want to have a cry fest at that moment in time. On the way home from Disneyland I turned on the radio, and her song was there...again. I thought, "Are you serious!?" Then I really started crying, and I decided to turn on Pandora and listen to some church music. I thought, I should be safe listening to some hymns and I really need some peace right now. One song goes by, and then The Piano Guys come on...playing "A Thousand Years".

I laughed, and I pondered about Elle. And I cried too, of course. I knew she wanted me to know that she was there. 

I remember...

When I look back, I remember the Doctor telling me that soon her heart would fail, and all I could do was wait, I remember watching her on the ultrasound, I remember the last ultrasound when her heart beat was no longer there, I remember the horrible 20 plus hours in the hospital and all the pain I experienced going through labor and also having a very broken heart, I remember physically feeling empty after I delivered her, I remember the weight of her body in my arms...

I remember laying in the hospital bed watching Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives over and over, and then they literally started repeating the episodes after a few hours...it was the only thing on besides infomercials. I can't watch that show anymore. 

I remember listening to the LDS hymns on Pandora as I waited and waited for my body to go into labor. How grateful I was for that music...

I remember being grateful that she was now a perfect angel in Heaven, I remember Michael holding my hand through everything, I remember Melissa, Breanna, and Julie being the best friends that I could ask for, I remember my Mom, Mother and Father in law being there to hold her little body, I remember my nurse and Doctor having more compassion than could I have imagined, and for the visitors who came to see me in the hospital, Brother and Sister Gonzales, my Aunt Cheryl, and Julie.

I remember all the messages I received, and was grateful for each and every one, and also learning a lot about people and how they react to friends going through trials. I remember the little miracles, and tender mercies.

Two years ago my life changed. 

I will never be the same. I'm more emotional, I try to be much more compassionate, I feel like something is always missing, when I have bad days, they are pretty bad, but my joy has surpassed all expectations. 

I love my boys. I know that because of Elle, I love them more, and I am a better Mom. 

Michael and I have grown together. We have these memories, and although some of them truly haunt me, the sacred ones are between us, and only us. 

Trying to figure out how to live this different life has been quite a journey, but I know that I have found some peace. 

I will forever be in debt to those who showed me love, compassion, and also those who prayed for me. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart and soul. I have felt your prayers, and love. 

Sincerely, Rosalie