CA Coast Family Vacation

Here are some highlights of our CA coast trip!! We had SO much fun! I LOVED being together as a family, and just hanging out. We haven't been able to do that in a long time, so it was long over due. We fit a lot into five short days (two of them spent mostly driving), and it was my first time going up the coast. I've been to San Fransisco a few times, but we have never taken the scenic route, so I thoroughly enjoyed the new sights and adventures. I also gained a new love and appreciation for the beauty of CA. I really do think our states is one of the prettiest, with the coast, mountains, lakes, forests, and so much more! (Oh...Disneyland haha but I'm mainly just talking about natural beauty) So here's our fun, little family, enjoying our CA Coast vacation! 

Ps. The weather was GORGEOUS! I thought it was going to be cold, but it was SO nice. I just needed a light jacket for nights.

• San Luis Obispo
• Avila Valley Barn
• Avila Beach
• Monterey Aquarium
• 17 Mile Drive
• Big Sur
• San Simeon Elephant Seals
• Hearst Castle

We made it to the coast, Ventura, just in time for the sunset! It was gorgeous! Our  vacation had finally begun!

Being that we got a later start than planned, we didn't make it to Solvang until about 6pm. If you're planning a visit, get there earlier in the day!! The town looked SO cute and I really wish we could have walked around and what not, but most everything was closed. I definitely want to go again to experience everything. PS. We ate at the Viking Restaurant because it was one of the only places that was open...it wasn't terrible, but let's just say that if somewhere else is open, I would try to go there instead. 

 AVILA VALLEY BARN

San Luis Obispo

Here's Hunter, feeding his obsession with pumpkins. At one point, he was hugging all of them. Haha 

Here was the best part about the Barn, feeding the animals!!
There were turkeys, goats, alpacas, horses, mini horses, donkeys, chickens, roosters, and sheep.  

I love Hunter's reaction in these next pictures! He got a big kick from feeding the horses! 

Cade had a great time at the barn! ha

Yay for hay rides! 

There were rows upon rows of fruit plants and trees! It would be fun to go there when fruit was in season. 

These two loved being around each for the whole trip! Hunter didn't have to go off to pre-school, or the sitters, or anything. It was fun having them together with no interruptions. 

AVILA BEACH

Hunter LOVES LOVES LOVES the beach. He could play in the sand and water all day.  The water was cold, so we obviously didn't go in, but it was still a lot of fun.

Before we headed out of SLO, we ate at the famous Madonna Inn. It was delicious! They are famous for their cakes. We took a piece of toffee cake to go...it was pretty much one of the best cakes I've ever had! Oh, and Janelle and I split the Monte Cristo Sandwich. It was really good, but if you've had Disneyland's MC's, try something else, because Disneyland's are better. (;

I didn't take this picture, but I wanted to show you how the roads looked driving from San Luis Obispo to Monterey. We took the 101 instead of the CA 1, and I loved seeing vineyard after vineyard. They weren't green like in this picture that I found on Google images, but they were still neat to see.  


MONTEREY BAY AQUARIUM
The aquarium was a lot of fun. Hunter has a natural love for ocean animals, so he was in Heaven. It was big, had a lot of kid areas, and at our hotel, we were able to get a two day pass for the price of one day, so we were able to split the aquarium into two different days. 

I think Hunter enjoyed the jelly fish the most, hence the reason why he is hugging the jelly fish tank. haha 

MONTEREY EATS

Bubba Gumps in Monterey is the 8th Bubba Gumps we've been to. It's kind of our tradition to go to Bubba Gumps if there is ever one around. 

Crystal Fish Sushi
A sushi place that was recommended to us from a local. It was good, decent prices, and how could we go to a coastal city and not have any fish.

One of the best steakhouses we have ever been to! We LOVE our steakhouses, and this one was top notch. They even brought you the different cuts of meat to tell you about them. It was pretty awesome, and what was even better was that Aunt Jay Jay stayed at the hotel with Hunter so we were able to enjoy it, (well, the best we can...haha we still had our sweet little Cade) By the way, their clam chowder was one of the best I've ever had. I highly recommend this place. It was pricy, but was worth it.

17 MILE DRIVE

This drive is a must if you ever go to Monterey. It is absolutely gorgeous there! There are a lot of places to get out and walk around. We stopped in this place and we found a large crab. Hunter was really excited about that. 

BIG SUR

Look at this view...It was absolutely breathtaking. Big Sur was about a half hour-45 minute drive, depending on where you go, but this specific area was about a half hour from our hotel. It was a lot of fun to drive 
Highway 1. At first we planned to go on a hike, one from this site: http://www.hikinginbigsur.com, but most of the areas were at least a hour drive South from Monterey, so they were too far drive being that we had more to do in Monterey, but I'm glad we found the spot where we stopped because it was a lot of fun to once again just run on the beach and enjoy the beautiful view. 

He could do this ALL day if we let him! 

They sure do love each other...

First time at the beach. He kept trying to eat the sand! haha 

Loving Aunt Jay Jay time.

Elephant Seals and Hearst Castle

San Simeon

On our drive home, we stopped by the elephant seals, and also did a tour at Hearst Castle. Once again, Aunt Jay Jay was a big help and went to the beach with Hunter while we took a tour. I don't think Hunter would have lasted, it was a lot of just talking and walking, and no touching...with is a little difficult for three year olds. 

Elephant Seals at San Simeon. They come here and just hang out (and breed, and have their pups during a certain time of year). You can't touch them, but there's is a little  pathway to walk on and you can see them. They were pretty fascinating to watch!

This cute little smile quintessentially describes the character of this sweet little boy. He is SO happy and loves, loves, loves to smile at others. He was the best little trooper on the trip, and he just went along with the flow pretty much the whole time. Near the end, you can tell he was probably getting a little home sick, but he was still happy as a little clam. 

And here is what we call his cabbage patch face! haha 

We took the Cottages and the kitchen tour, partly because it was the next one leaving, and we still had about a five hour drive home. I liked the tour. We didn't get to see the grand rooms inside the big part of it, but it was still really neat. You get to walk around the gardens and pools no matter what tour you take, so that was kind of nice. We also had lunch here, and although I don't like to eat at touristy places because it's usually over priced and not very good, but eating here was the right choice. This site is not only where he built his castle, but also has a live, working, very enormous, cattle ranch. We had cheeseburgers from the cattle that were there on the ranch, and they were pretty delicious! 

WHERE WE STAYED

Lastly! Here are the hotels where we stayed. I was VERY happy with them. You know, it's always a gamble when booking a hotel. You never know if it's going to be in an odd location, or smelly, or beds are uncomfortable, etc. I always read the reviews, but I usually go with the ones that are a little cheaper with decent reviews. I'm not looking for a 5 star hotel...it's not like you spend too much time there anyway, and I'm all about cheaper hotels, so we have more money to spend on the adventures! 


So, we stayed one night in San Luis, just to break up our drive, and I just got a cheap one because we were literally just staying the night and then driving once we got up. I was pretty pleased, and it was pretty close to attractions. The rooms were clean, kind of small, but perfect for one night. They have a pretty fancy spa and pool too. I would stay here again. 

1585 Calle Joaquin · San Luis Obispo

Here's our hotel in Monterey, and I LOVED it! Our room was very big and spacious, and I was VERY pleased for the price we paid. It was close to everything. I think we drove more than 10 minutes to get somewhere, and it was so nice having a heated, indoor pool, especially because it would be too cold to swim outside. Oh, and there was a fireplace in our room! Loved this place, and I would definitely stay again! 

1046 Munras Ave · Monterey

Well, that's our trip in a nutshell! I feel like we saw pretty much everything we wanted to see. We did want to go to the Winchester Mystery House, but being that it was a hour drive North and we still had stuff to do in Monterey, we made the choice to stay more local and go to Big Sur. I'm not sure I would tour around Monterey again. It was beautiful, but I think it would be good for just an overnight stop on the way to San Francisco. Or if the kids really wanted to go the aquarium again, we could do that. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED it, but it's a smaller city and I was happy with what we did! I loved the trip as a whole, the scenic drive, SLO, the beach and much more! The best part was spending the time with family and having fun together! I can't wait for our next vacation! 

What did you just say?

For some time now, I have noticed that Hunter's speech wasn't exactly the greatest. I thought, well, he's still little, the only child, and a boy. He was always very good at somehow communicating what he wanted, so there wasn't very much frustration going on when he couldn't express himself, or wasn't being understood. I told myself that I would wait to get him as assessed, hoping he would just somehow catch up. Well, that didn't happen. I knew that by the time he turned 3 years old that he could get help for free through the school district. 

Today he received his final assessment. I've been anxiously waiting for this day to come. The other night I laid awake and cried as I felt guilt, wondering if there was something more that I could have done, sadness, thinking about how this wasn't necessarily "normal" and now at 3 years old he may have to go off to school for four days a week, and fear, worrying about whether or not he would like his speech therapist and if he would dislike going. I've tried my best to just keep it together, and I think I'm doing an okay job. There might be some of you thinking, "Oh, it's just a speech delay, what's the big deal?" Well, when you're in the same situation, let's see what you say. I got some comfort when the speech therapist told me that there's not really a cause for a speech delay. She told me that it could be genetic, it's not anything that the parents did or didn't do, or he's just a late bloomer. It does not mean that your child isn't smart, or will be intellectually behind in school. 

 When I heard the words that he has a "severe" speech delay, part of me wanted to cry, and the other part of me was ready to just kick this "delays" butt and move forward. On a good note, he scored one point too high to qualify for help with his language, so now he just needs help with his articulation. So basically, he understands language pretty well, he just doesn't really want to verbalize anything. Little stinker...

Needless to say, it's been difficult. I feel like sometimes people will try and talk to him, and find it odd that he doesn't answer back, or they will tell him to say something and he will say it in a weird way, or they see that he makes more gestures, sounds, or even sings more than he talks. And the assessments and paperwork weren't peaches and cream, as they asked question after question after question. 

Moms...if your child is very verbal, please don't count out the little ones who don't talk that much or not very well. Your going to make the Mom of that child feel like the lonely Kindergartner who doesn't have any friends and just hangs out by themselves during recess time. I think the worst thing we could do is think, "Oh, they don't talk that much, so I don't want my kid playing with them because my child talks a lot...or is already crawling and walking...or has skipped a grade...or is athletic...or is musical etc. etc." Every child is special, and important. PLEASE don't forget that! 

Now it's time to brag about my sweet little guy. He is a smart little cookie. He's VERY good at observing and knowing his directions. From a very young age, he was able to tell me which way to go to get to Grandma and Grandpa's house, or if we were in the vicinity of a friends house, he would know and would start asking for that friend and pointing which way to turn to get to their house. He has an amazing tonal memory. I call him my little John Williams, as he always sings the theme songs to Jaws and Jurassic Park, (his two favorite things, sharks and dinosaurs). Also, when he was younger and not talking very much at all, he would sing the tune to the theme song of the show he wanted to watch, rather than saying a characters name or the title of the show. His imagination is pretty up to par as he makes his dinosaurs play, or transforms his hand into a shark and makes it swim and bite things. 

I want you all to know that I'm not writing this so that you aware of what is going on in Hunter's life, but I think as Mother's we try to find other's that we can relate to, or sometimes we may need some help or suggestions. So this is mainly for all you other Mom's who are in the same boat as I am. We know how it feels to think that our child is somewhat behind. 

I love my little Hunter more than I could ever express. The other night, he crawled in our bed, and although we were cramped, and didn't sleep very well, I was overcome with the feeling that Hunter knew that he was loved. He knows that if he crawls into bed with Mom and Dad, that they will love and cuddle him. Because his speech has been delayed, it has been very exciting to hear all the new words that he is learning. But my favorite words are definitely, "wuv you". He doesn't even say "I" or pronounce his "L", but that's his way of telling us that he loves us. 

It's been a long process so far, but I'm glad that we are making progress. I turned in my paperwork in the middle of July, and here it is October, and I still have one more meeting to go to before he starts getting his speech therapy. Being patient has not been fun, but I'm happy to finally get everything taken care of, and I keep telling myself that early intervention is the best thing we can do for him, and so we just move forward from here. 

I know that soon we are going to be telling him to stop talking as he talks off our  ears, and he will be able to fully express himself, and I can't wait to hear his stories, and what's going on in that crazy brain of his. We've already seen a BIG improvement with him going to preschool. His teacher cares SO much about him and has really helped him to talk more, and articulate his words. We have definitely been blessed with an amazing teacher. 

So, hopefully his speech therapy starts soon, and I won't have to wait, and go through any more assessments, and paperwork and what not. Although this is a bummer, I am still so grateful for his health, and his strong fun loving spirit. We have truly been blessed with an amazing little man.

Having fun at Legoland

He LOVES sharks

My big boy, all grown up! 

My Sweet Cade

I know this is a little late...but here it is! 

Cade Porter's birth story.

So, to be honest, there's not much to it. I started having contractions at 3:45am, we rushed to the hospital at about at about 5:30, I think I was checked in by about 6:00 and then he came at 6:45. No drugs, not one pain med (which meant a lot of pain) and my sweet, little, special blessing was in my arms before I could even think about what was going on. 

Yes...it was a very fast labor, but too bad it wasn't easy!!! haha My labor with Hunter was 14 hours so this REALLY caught me off guard. I guess he was ready to come, and that's exactly what he did! It was a VERY intense three hours, and all I wanted to do afterwards was just space out, and not think about or do anything for just a few minutes, just so I could mentally recover from what just happened. That was a lot of intense pain to cram into such a small amount of time! Oh, and in case you didn't know, I have a very low tolerance for pain! I did want an epidural, and when the nurse told me that I was at 7, I knew that there wasn't any hope! They couldn't even put anything in my IV because he was coming so fast. I seriously felt traumatized afterwards! haha I never thought it would have happened that fast, and for those of you that have gone all natural, know that the pain of pushing that baby out is insane! 

So...it's a good thing there was a prize at the end of all of that pain. It was a reward that helped to mend my broken heart from the last time I was in labor. This time, my baby cried...this time, my baby was healthy...this time, I was able to look into a face and know that he would mine to raise here on Earth. I loved him, I held him like there was no tomorrow, and I was so incredibly grateful for this special little spirit who I know would possibly not be here if it wasn't for past events.

I know I've said it before, but how great is my joy because of my sorrows. When the pediatrician came in and told us that we were released to take a healthy baby home, I couldn't help but cry because of how happy I was. 

The last 5 years have been quite the whirlwind. We waited about two and half years for Hunter to finally be here (trying to get pregnant, and then being pregnant). Recovered from that pregnancy. Got pregnant 15 months later. I was pregnant for 5 months, lost our sweet little angel. Attempted to recover physically and mentally. Got pregnant again about 7 months later, and then delivered my beautiful baby boy. 

I look at our little family, and my heart is full. Finally, after many years, I feel complete (for now). 

I often think about how things would be if Elle was here. Not only about what it would be like to have a daughter, and that she would be about one year old right now, but I think about how I would have had to get pregnant right away with Cade for him to be here right now. It's a good thing I don't have to figure that out. All I have to do is trust in Heavenly Father's plan, not only for me, but for my children. I know that Cade is supposed to be here right now. He already brings SO much happiness to our family. I can't even put into words how special he is to me. He loves to make faces and smile at others. He likes to have attention and to be held. And most importantly, he's a happy healthy boy. 

One week old

Blessing Day-4 weeks old

Brothers-3 mo. old-3 years old

One year later

Well...I made it...

As I think about this last year, I mainly think about what I have learned.

I have learned that joy is SO much sweeter after you have experienced unimaginable heartbreaking sorrow.

     This year, I bawled my eyes out at Hunters birthday party because I appreciated him, and loved him so much more than I could have ever imagined. He has been my little, smiling, ray of sunshine on some of the hardest days of my life. I remember when he came to visit me in the hospital, even though he was as crazy as can be, he was such a happy little guy that just loved life. I never thought I could love him more than I did, but after losing Elle, it made me love him more.

     When I heard the baby's heart beat for the first time, I sobbed. The melody and lyrics, "Rejoice, rejoice" kept playing my head. How grateful I was to carry another one of Heavenly Father's children, and for the strength He was giving me. It was like a joy that I have never felt before.

     I have been able to compare the joy that I feel now, to the joy I felt before, and I wish I could explain it and eloquently put it into words, but all I can say is that it feels different. It feels greater, I have more gratitude for blessings in my life, and like I said, it is sweeter.

I have learned that it is your choice to let a trial make you
or break you...

     I have an immense amount of gratitude for the strength I have gained throughout my life to help me get through losing our baby. I don't know how I did it...and honestly, even though I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, I wish I didn't have to experience the heartache, but I easily and quickly remember, that there is someone else involved in this plan, and that is my husband, and more importantly, my daughter. This challenge was not about me, and although there was a lot I needed to gain from this trial, I also needed to be an instrument in the Lords hands to bring my daughter to Earth.

I have learned that it's not always easy to fight the negative
parts of a trial...

Please know that life has not been peaches and cream...I would hate for people to think, wow, she got through that easily! I am WAY more emotional, I have let other people's actions towards me get the better of me, in some aspects I have become cynical, and even though it has become easier to sympathize, there are times when I think...oh you think that's hard? (and please know that I'm just referring to petty little things that people complain about, I'm not THAT mean ha) I'm still working through the negative affects of my trial, but I just remind myself that I'm not perfect, and at least I'm not in denial and think that everything is rainbows, lollipops and puppies.

BUT, I do know that the good has outweighed the bad. 

I have learned what is important...

All is can say is, there was only ONE thing that made sense throughout this whole life changing experience, and that was the gospel. Even when I didn't understand, or didn't want to, I at least knew that because of the gospel I would have my little girl forever. I was able to find peace.

One year ago...

I think about this time last year...it was horrible. An absolute nightmare. Even though this time last year was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, I do know that nothing will compare to that moment when I knew that my little girl was perfect in Heaven and that she will be watching over me and be waiting for me until I get there. Even though I knew I was going to lose her, and I so badly wanted her to stay with me, I had faith that she had a plan. I have once again learned that life goes on, and that if you want everything to be okay, you'll find a way to be okay, and you'll count blessings, even if you feel like the list is really short. Just keep counting and day by day the list will grow.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Lastly, I want to say thank you...I actually have some personal thanking to do. Even though, I was so incredibly grateful for support and love, it was sometimes hard for me to respond when I would get comments and messages. Well, a year has passed, so I think I'm ready! Again, thank you for prayers, thoughts, messages, and love. Even if you didn't know what to say, you still said something, and sometimes that meant more than your actual words. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I'm ready to start a new year, and celebrate my little Elle's "Angel"versaries until we meet in Heaven.

Love, Rosalie

Dearest friends and family...

Well...where do I start?

I've been thinking about this day for weeks, and I guess the only way to get through it is to get to the point.

I've spent past 7 months watching others get pregnant and having healthy babies. I've seen their posts about their pregnancies, or their cute announcement pictures, and have gotten invitations to baby showers...needless to say, that has been difficult. I do find happiness for them, because how can I not, being pregnant and having children is amazing, and how grateful I am for those to recieve that blessing! But...once again...it has been difficult.

When Michael and I started thinking about getting pregnant, I made a decision...

I know there are many Mothers who have struggled to get pregnant, can't bear children, have lost children, or have had many difficulties while pregnant. My heart aches for them, and even if I'm not that close to them, they all have a special place in my heart. So, in honor of them, this is how I have chosen to make my announcement. Nothing cute or frilly...no creative picture, or something written on a chalkboard, or a funny little comic posted on my facebook. (And I do NOT judge those that do that...I'm just taking a different route) So, for those of you reading this, who have experienced the pain of infertility or loss, know that my heart goes out to you, and that I hope you may find peace and faith.

I am currently 11 weeks and a half weeks pregnant...I am so grateful to be pregnant. We have seen the heartbeat twice, and the last time we saw "baby", it was seriously dancing and wiggling around in my womb. I thought...wow...you can move like that and you barely have any limbs?! haha I was in awe by the strength it already had being only 10 weeks old...

I know that some of you are wondering and have even asked me how I feel with this pregnancy. Well, I am sad to say that when I first found out, I didn't cry tears of joy...I felt numb. I felt like I couldn't be happy or sad. About a week after we found out, I went to the doctor, but the day before I spent a lot of time crying. I was scared. The hardest part is knowing that even though I am pregnant again, it doesn't mean that I'm going to get back what I lost. I want so badly for the baby to be Elle, so I can have the chance to be her Mother here on Earth, but that is a desire that I'm going to have to live with the rest of my life...

Being at the doctors office was the hardest part. The second I got back to the exam rooms, I just started crying...it was in that very room that we found out that she had passed away, it was in his office that I cried my heart out as I talked to him about everything. I felt like it was too soon, and that we maybe should have waited...

But then, I saw the heartbeat.

In that very moment, I knew that my Heavenly Father was there. I found peace, there were tears of joy, and all I could think was, "Alright little baby...it's you and me now. I'll take care of you." And I have felt like that ever since. I still have my moments, and fears, but even if something happens again, at least I will know that while I carried this child, I was able to find joy and I am so happy to once again be a Mother to one of Heavenly Fathers children.

So...here goes!! I'm ready for this journey, and I can't wait to hold this baby in my arms! Once again, thank you to everyone who has been there for me as I've gone through the loss of little baby Elle. I am forever, ever, ever grateful for you!! I know it's something that I will never truly get over, but in time, my heart will heal more and more, and we will all be in Heaven together before we know it!

Love Always, Rosalie and baby Mastaler #3 (boy or girl?? Hmm...we'll find out soon!)

My Due Date June 12th, 2012

Well, yesterday was my due date...I'm guessing that she would have come by now since Hunter came a week early.

It is painful to think that I would be holding my little girl in my arms right now if she would have made it. I have been dreading my due date for weeks, but I am grateful that it has finally passed. I feel like I can somehow find the little extra comfort that I need as I let go of the feeling that "I should be pregnant right now". There were times when I would even bend over, and it was like I still felt pregnant, and I would think, I shouldn't even be able to bend over because a little (or big) baby bump should be in the way. I didn't think that I would be affected physically, as well as mentally, but it has been a difficult journey up to this point.

I wanted to post some pictures to honor my little baby Elle. Although she never came to us here on Earth, she will always be in our hearts and a part of our family.

So, join me as I reminisce...

This was when I announced that we were expecting a new little bundle of joy. We were at Knotts Merry Farm. I had seen the heart beat twice by this point...I remember how excited we were and how I thought about how I was going to protect the little growing body that was inside of me. The caption on the picture read:

"This year I asked Santa for a REALLY special gift...and today I saw the heartbeat of that amazing gift. (="
Dec. 6th 2011



When I first looked at this picture, I thought, gosh, I kinda look chubby, but really, it was Elle making her debut in NYC. For those of you who have been to New York, know that the food there is AMAZING, so we ate a LOT haha therefore, my baby bump was really starting to show in this trip, and I even remember when I got home Michael saying something like, "Hey where did that come from!?". I also bought her this little onsie and Hunter a matching one. It's safely put away inside my special "Elle box". I had my doctors appointment about one week from when I got home from NY...that was when everything started to happen...

A few days before I delivered her, I wanted to take a picture...when I asked Michael to take it, he asked me  "Why?" I told him that I wanted one last picture with her...I didn't know that I was going to deliver her only a few days after this picture was taken, but I will always look back at this time, and think about my daughter, and how even though I knew she was going to pass away, I wanted to cherish every single moment that I had with her.






Here is her tiny, tiny, feet prints. The condition of her body was so bad that they couldn't get anything but these tiny prints, but I hold these small, little prints so close to my heart. I remember, so vividly, what she looked like. Something that will always stay with me was the weight of her little body in my arms and sometimes I can take myself back to that very moment, and remember exactly how it felt to hold her. At first it was hard to look at her, and Michael even told me to look away, but when they placed her in my arms, all I wanted to do was look. Although her body had been so completely consumed by the disorder, and did not look anything like a 22 week old baby, she was perfect to me, because I knew that she was perfect in Heaven.

This was the sign they put on the door and the little box they gave me.

Gifts...I received a pink tulip necklace that a mother of one of my students gave me, some yummy treats, which I obviously already ate, cd's, a star to name after her, flowers, letters, books, and a bracelet to put where her ashes are, (which I'm going to keep in case I have another girl...that way she can wear her sisters bracelet...and if I don't have another girl, I will take it to the cemetery) Now, I don't want to brag about all of the material things I received, but, I just wanted to show how grateful I am...because I truly am grateful...



There were many wonderful people who got me flowers and cards...I was SO grateful for them. My counter has been filled pretty much since the week that I delivered. There have been times that I have told myself that I should take them down, get some counter space back, but I could never bring myself to do it. I finally decided that on her due date, I will take them down. So, the day came, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't let go...so I asked Michael to do it when I wasn't home...now my counter is empty...but I did get some flowers from a good friend, Michael, and my brother in law, so they will ease the empty space for a little while.




One last picture before they came down...

On Easter Sunday we went back to the cemetery for the first time. I cried and cried as I was in disbelief that this was my life...I never, ever thought I would lay flowers on a place where it was my child...I thought about what her life would have been like...we were about to leave after we visited Michael's best friends grave who isn't very far from Elle, and I saw someone that I recognizedq. She had lost her daughter at the age of 11 (approx.) and she talked about how grateful she is for those 11 wonderful years. It was a true inspiration...although I won't be able to say anything like that, I know that no matter what, I'm always going to be grateful for my daughter and she will always be a gift to me. Here is the spot where we laid her pink tulips. This spot is where the hospital lays all the baby's ashes when they are under 24 weeks or if the family decides to not have a their own designated plot. I loved seeing all the things that the other Mommies and Daddies brought to their little ones. It made feel like I wasn't so alone, and that all these other babies were loved just like our little Elle.



Here are two recent family pictures of us (May 7th The LA zoo, to celebrate Mother's Day and Easter and don't mind Michael's facial hair...it's for work) We are all smiles, and we are making it through...Michael has been my rock, and although his heart is broken too, he has let me cry, listened to me talk about my feelings and thoughts, and has given me inspiration to move forward. I am so grateful for him and I love him so much. This has brought us closer, and although we will always mourn over our lost baby, we have found joy together as we've grown closer as a couple, and to our Heavenly Father.

My last picture is of my favorite person in the whole wide world (next to Michael of course). This little guy is definitely Heaven sent...I think about how he's going to be an amazing big brother, and my heart aches for him as he doesn't know what he's missing out on right now, and how he should be playing with a little baby. A few days before Elle passed away, Hunter was laying in bed with me, and all of sudden, he just started giving my belly raspberries, and giggling and laughing, it was like he knew his little sister was in there and he wanted to play with her before she would go away. It was the funniest thing, and I will never forget that moment. He's such a sweet, happy, and friendly little boy. I know that he's the special one to help me get through this. He always puts a smile on my face and reminds to me to slow down and enjoy life. I don't know how I would have done it without him, but because of him, I'm a Mom, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

It has been about 18 weeks since I delivered. The road has been very up and down...recently, there have been a lot of tears as the days have been bringing me closer to my due date, but I've managed. What I would give to hold my little girl in my arms right now. I looked in the mirror the other day, and I cried and cried as I looked at myself and my features, and wondered what she would have looked like...would she have her Daddy's eyes and Mommy's hair? Maybe she will look like Hunter, or completely different...one day we'll know.


I definitely know that before everything happened I took being happy for granite. Happiness is a choice...You know how when you write someone a txt message, and to be friendly you put a little smiley face, it's something I always used to do...always...and now, whenever I put it, I think to myself, am I really happy? And for a while I couldn't even put it, because I felt like it was in vain...it's obviously gotten better, but I never thought my life would ever change so much that I couldn't even smile in my text messages. I am now grateful for when I am happy, because when something like this happens, you can't just be happy, you have to choose to be happy, and you have to figure out how your going to find that happiness. I know that a little part of me will always be empty, but I also know that my daughter is waiting for me...

I know something magical didn't happen on my due date and that it won't all of a sudden make things better, but I knew it would be a turning point. My cards are put away, I've shared pictures, I went to the cemetery and I'm moving forward. I know that I've been blessed with strength, but sometimes I do get a little upset and ask my Heavenly Father why He took her away from me, but those feelings never last for too long, and I'm so grateful for my knowledge of eternal families.

Lastly, I once again want to thank everyone for their sweet thoughts and prayers, for the messages, the phone calls, and most of all their love. How grateful I am for those who have reached out to me. This is definitely a time when I've needed others to just make the first step and put in an effort...and they have made a difference. Saying thank you will never be enough, but know that I love you and am grateful for you.

So, here's to my due date being long gone. I hope you all enjoyed the pictures. And even though my sweet Elle's life was very short, I hope that you will all remember her and will think of her up in Heaven, watching down on all of us.

Love, Rosalie