Well...where do I start?
I've been thinking about this day for weeks, and I guess the only way to get through it is to get to the point.
I've spent past 7 months watching others get pregnant and having healthy babies. I've seen their posts about their pregnancies, or their cute announcement pictures, and have gotten invitations to baby showers...needless to say, that has been difficult. I do find happiness for them, because how can I not, being pregnant and having children is amazing, and how grateful I am for those to recieve that blessing! But...once again...it has been difficult.
When Michael and I started thinking about getting pregnant, I made a decision...
I know there are many Mothers who have struggled to get pregnant, can't bear children, have lost children, or have had many difficulties while pregnant. My heart aches for them, and even if I'm not that close to them, they all have a special place in my heart. So, in honor of them, this is how I have chosen to make my announcement. Nothing cute or frilly...no creative picture, or something written on a chalkboard, or a funny little comic posted on my facebook. (And I do NOT judge those that do that...I'm just taking a different route) So, for those of you reading this, who have experienced the pain of infertility or loss, know that my heart goes out to you, and that I hope you may find peace and faith.
I am currently 11 weeks and a half weeks pregnant...I am so grateful to be pregnant. We have seen the heartbeat twice, and the last time we saw "baby", it was seriously dancing and wiggling around in my womb. I thought...wow...you can move like that and you barely have any limbs?! haha I was in awe by the strength it already had being only 10 weeks old...
I know that some of you are wondering and have even asked me how I feel with this pregnancy. Well, I am sad to say that when I first found out, I didn't cry tears of joy...I felt numb. I felt like I couldn't be happy or sad. About a week after we found out, I went to the doctor, but the day before I spent a lot of time crying. I was scared. The hardest part is knowing that even though I am pregnant again, it doesn't mean that I'm going to get back what I lost. I want so badly for the baby to be Elle, so I can have the chance to be her Mother here on Earth, but that is a desire that I'm going to have to live with the rest of my life...
Being at the doctors office was the hardest part. The second I got back to the exam rooms, I just started crying...it was in that very room that we found out that she had passed away, it was in his office that I cried my heart out as I talked to him about everything. I felt like it was too soon, and that we maybe should have waited...
But then, I saw the heartbeat.
In that very moment, I knew that my Heavenly Father was there. I found peace, there were tears of joy, and all I could think was, "Alright little baby...it's you and me now. I'll take care of you." And I have felt like that ever since. I still have my moments, and fears, but even if something happens again, at least I will know that while I carried this child, I was able to find joy and I am so happy to once again be a Mother to one of Heavenly Fathers children.
So...here goes!! I'm ready for this journey, and I can't wait to hold this baby in my arms! Once again, thank you to everyone who has been there for me as I've gone through the loss of little baby Elle. I am forever, ever, ever grateful for you!! I know it's something that I will never truly get over, but in time, my heart will heal more and more, and we will all be in Heaven together before we know it!
Love Always, Rosalie and baby Mastaler #3 (boy or girl?? Hmm...we'll find out soon!)
