I can't even describe to you how I feel...but I'm ready to share the story of when I laid my little baby down to rest...

Monday morning I spent about one hour on the phone with my insurance, and then my medical group, and then Loma Linda hospital. It was all kind of frustrating, especially since I didn't get to go see my specialist in the morning, but we were told that we could go see my OB in the afternoon.

Dr. Moneke didn't get in the office until 2pm and the hours leading up to that 2 o' clock hour were soooo long. I remember looking at the clock and just watching the minutes go by...I was so nervous, and I knew that there was a very good chance that we would soon have to say goodbye to our baby Elle. Even though I knew that time was going to come sooner or later, I knew very well that there wasn't going to be anything to prepare me for that moment. I was going crazy waiting and waiting and I tried to find little things to take up time...

THE LAST ULTRASOUND

Just reading the words the "last" ultrasound puts me into tears...that was it...her heart could no longer handle her physical ailments....

The last time I got an ultrasound I couldn't bring myself to look. I can't linger on the fact that that would have been the last time I would have seen her alive, but I decided that no matter what, the next time I got an u/s, I would look. So, when we get into the exam room I asked my doctor if I could look at her before he told me whether or not her heart stopped. I looked...and even on a little screen, in black and white, she was beautiful, and she was mine.

Finally, I told the doctor that I was done and I waited for the news...I laid there...and waited and waited while he searched for her little heart beat. The week leading up to this moment I thought about how she can probably hear my heart beat and how I wish she could take the strength from mine, and just keep holding on. I thought...just listen to mine, and follow it, and you'll be okay...

The doctor was silent while he looked, and I'm sure he wished he could tell me that he could find it, but when I looked up, I saw Michael's face, and he shook his head, "no". He could see that there wasn't anything there, and the moment finally came that I never, ever thought would come. A little bit of peace came over me, knowing that she was home in Heaven, but unfortunately that peace can't even surpass all of the other feelings of knowing that this little girl wasn't going to ever come home with me. I laid there and cried...

We decided to go straight to the hospital, and I just have to share that before we left the doctors office, Dr. Moneke gave me a hug and reassured me that he would be there for the delivery. How grateful I am for my doctor...although this whole experience has been a nightmare, there have been little reminders that my Heavenly Father still loves me, and the blessing of my doctor is one of those tender mercies that I am very grateful for.

THE DELIVERY

I don't know why I thought that being induced with a 22 week old wouldn't take very much time, but by the time everything was done, it was the length of an actual labor...and it was absolutely horrible. For those of you that know me, know that I have a huge phobia of needles. I can't even look at them without shuddering, and even more, I just can't stand anything medical done to me. So, I'm sure that you can imagine that going through labor, and not getting the prize at the end, was incredibly...insert every horrible word you can think of. It started with getting the stupid I.V., which hurt so bad (I do NOT remembering it hurting so bad when I had Hunter, so I wasn't just being a wuss) and that was the first sight of pain...I sobbed while she stuck me with the needle, partly because it hurt so bad and because I knew what everything was leading up to. I remember looking into Michael's eyes, and I know that he could see, not only the physical pain I was feeling, but that my heart, at this point didn't feel broken...it just felt shattered, and completely dead...a piece of my heart died with hers, and although Michael felt pain too, from the look in his eyes, I knew that he wished he could take away all of my pain...

Once they got my I.V. in, they had to do some lab work...and as the lab tech. watched me cry I'm sure the last thing he wanted to do was poke me with another needle...so as he gently prepped me, he quietly asks, "So, what are you having, a boy or girl?"...I knew she was a girl, but what do I say???? "She would be a girl..." He gets quiet and I could tell that he realized why I was so upset. When he finished he looks me in the eyes and says, so sincerely, "You take care, okay?" Thank you again for another tender mercy...

After being admitted, there was a shift change and my new nurse walks in. She was young, and seemed very sweet. I could tell that there were tears in her eyes, and as she introduced herself, she tells me that she's sorry if she cries all night...my eyes well up with tears, and I thank her for crying, because it shows me that she cares. She assured me that she did care, and once again I knew that I was being watched over.

Looking back it all kind of seems like a blur...but I want to tell you something I clearly remember, and that I will always remember for the rest of my life. Once I was admitted, and had a few quiet minutes, I decided to gain some comfort amid the chaos, and I opened up a random scripture...I love reading the four gospels, so I chose something out of there and I was lead to Matthew chapter 8.

2 And, behold, there came a ^aleper and worshipped him, saying, Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.

3 And Jesus put forth his hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be thou clean. And immediately his leprosy was ^acleansed.

I know, without a doubt, that miracles happen everyday. People are saved, healed, and are able to escape death, but only when it is our Heavenly Fathers will...I remember when my Opa died, and my Oma was so distraught, and wondered why Jesus Christ didn't save her husband. She would say, "He healed those people, so why not Opa?" My answer, during that time, was that it wasn't His will for Opa to be healed. Well...as I laid in my hospital bed and read about our Saviors power to heal, I knew that my Baby Elle was healed. She was in Heaven with her perfect little body and she would be waiting for me. How grateful I am to know that...because when I finally got to see her, and see the absolute distress her body was in, amidst all the heart ache, I was able to be grateful that she was healed...

After about 8 hours of being induced, the time finally came to deliver her. I decided to not have an epidural because I wanted to be completely aware of everything going on, physically and mentally. The second she started to crown, how grateful I was for when I got an epidural with Hunter, because that did NOT feel good...she was right there, and the doctor wasn't there yet...so I couldn't even push, so I tried to hold her and I was shaking, and it hurt, and I couldn't think. For those of you that have gone through labor, know that small moment of when everything just doesn't seem to make sense, you feel pain, you have all these emotions going through you, your adrenaline has kicked in, and then it finally happens...those few seconds when you go from being pregnant...to not...once I felt her leave me, I cried the most depressing tears I have ever cried in my life...she was gone...I didn't have her inside of me anymore, I could no longer carry her, I couldn't look down at my tummy and think, "It's okay...Mommy has you safe and sound". At that moment all I wanted was to maybe hear a cry, or something, just to tell me that she was alive...because that's how it's supposed to be, you have a baby, the baby cries, you get to hold the baby, you nurse her, hold her, feel her heartbeat...Once again, I can't even describe the feelings I felt...

Dr. Moneke finally got there after I delivered. (It happened so fast he didn't even make it in time) I had a few big fears going into labor...the side affects of being induced (I was induced with cytotec) nausea and diarrhea (sry...tmi) and my placenta not coming out...I did NOT want a D and C. I also had a big fear of going into labor at home when Michael wasn't around...Heavenly Father knew my fears, and once again, I was taken care of. None of my fears became a reality.

Once everything settled down...Dr. Moneke talked with me...he is a very quiet and meek man...and you can tell that he thinks about every word he says. He asked me if I had held her yet...if I named her, told me that I need to heal not only physically, but emotionally, and that they can take pictures...etc. Before he left he gave me a hug, and how I grateful I was for his compassion...He was also told me that I had to stay in the hospital for 12 more hours...luckily they didn't put me in postpartum, but those 12 hours of just laying there were sooo long. I couldn't sleep, even though I had just been awake all night, and there wasn't anything I wanted to do but just go home. I did have some visitors that brought some joy to my day...thank you Julie for bringing me goodies, and a friendly smiling face, the Gonzales's for making me feel special, my Aunt came too (before the delivery) both parents stayed all night through the long process, and Michael's whole family came the next day and brought the best visitor of all, my little bug. Oh, how I love him...when we first arrived at the hospital, I thought about the last time I was there, and the joy we experienced bringing our first baby into this world...what a difference of emotions...but I was able to hold on to some of that joy, and know that no matter what, I still had my sweet child to come home to when this was all done.

After Dr. Moneke left, it was now time to hold my little 14 ounce, 8 inch little baby girl...At this point I hadn't even looked at her yet...Michael saw a lot more than I did. I remember looking at him, and he had tears in his eyes, and I asked him if she was beautiful, and he smiled, and said, "yes". I vividly remember the feeling of holding her...I think about that time a lot...I can feel the weight of her in my arms...she didn't look anything like what a 22 week old baby should look like. They gently wrapped her up in a blanket because of how fragile she was. Michael was the only one that got to see her whole little body...Both of our Mom's were there, and also Michael's Dad...we passed her around, and we loved her. We could see the large cyst on her neck, her body was swollen, and was so swollen that her skin didn't even look like skin...they couldn't even get a hand print...but I was able to get foot prints, there were probably only one inch long. My poor, poor baby girl...but as I looked at her, and all of her Earthly imperfections caused by the severeness of her disorder, I remembered the scriptures that I had read...she was healed...she was perfect. I know that if she looked like what she should have, it would have been difficult to understand why she didn't make it, but because she looked so sick, how grateful I was that she no longer had to struggle for life.

Leaving the hospital without a baby was so sad...and it was only a foreshadow to the sadness that I would experience in the days ahead.

LIFE

Where do I begin...first of all...you do NOT realize how much baby stuff there is out there...EVERYWHERE...until that's all you're thinking about. Ya, I thought about baby's ALL the time when I was pregnant, or when I had my little guy...but...well...I'm sure I don't really have to explain. I get headaches when I'm out in public, I don't want to be social, I hardly talk on the phone (big shocker...I know), I don't even know what I want. I had a special friend come visit me a few days after everything had happened, and she had recently lost her Mom. She said it perfectly when she talked about how it's almost like I have to live a different life from the one I did before...it's so true. I think about one little thing, and I start crying, I look down, and realize there's no baby bump there anymore, I think about what my life was going to be like, on, and on, and on. You don't really realize how things will affect you until you are going through them. How I felt before is so different from how I feel now. I think about those days leading up to the one day when she passed. Even though they were pure torment, I took everyday and became more and more attached to the baby I carried inside of me. As each day went on, the more and more I didn't want to lose her. Someone told me that they were praying, that if it was Heavenly Father's will, that I would have her for just one more day...and now there isn't one more day...and it's been days since she's been gone. I didn't know her, I didn't get to hug and kiss her, or sing to her, and I didn't realize that I would miss, so badly, something that I never even had. I think about her name...and how we had her name picked out before we even knew that the baby was a girl...it's like she was really meant to be our baby Elle Carmela...

The other day one of my friends asked me how I was doing? I honestly told him that I'm the worst I've ever been in my life...my world seems so out of place...but...and yes...luckily there is a but...I am learning. Learning to find joy, trying to move forward, and trying to remember all those tender mercies that I have and am still being blessed with. On Tuesday I went to the temple, and being there gave me just enough courage and faith to move on. I know that the temple is the House of the Lord, and I knew that if I went I would feel close to my baby girl. There is joy in righteous doing...it's amazing how you can live life normally, and then something happens, and you have to actually search for joy and peace. I've been searching, and trying so hard, and although it's little by little, I find what I'm looking for. I rely on the gospel and my faith, and the word "rely" is an understatement.

How grateful I am for the prayers of others that have helped me through this difficult time...I've gotten flowers, mostly pink tulips...which will forever be Elle's flower, sympathy cards, dinners brought to us, CD's with inspirational music, Mickey ears from Disneyland that say, "Baby Elle 1/31/12" and someone even bought me a star named after Elle so that she will always be shining down on me. It's been hard with most of my close friends living so far away, but they've been there to listen and cry with me. I've missed my students, and was glad to start teaching again this week, and I've been able to slowly move forward...

I've been putting off writing this, because I knew that it would take a lot of heart to get through it, but I'm doing it...

Lastly, I just want to say how grateful I am to know where my baby girl is, and to know that she is waiting for me. There's hardly one second that goes by when I don't think about her. I know that she will eternally be mine, and that Michael will always be her Daddy. We look forward to being with her...and who knows if I will be blessed with another daughter, but how grateful I am to know that my first daughter was too special to be here on Earth. I have found joy in her, and she has already made me a better Mom.

Love, Rosalie, Michael, and Baby Elle

There's honestly not very much I want to say right now...

As of right now...I already miss being pregnant...I miss it soooo bad and I'm heart broken...I miss the baby girl that I had inside of me...

Monday, at about 2pm we didn't see that flickering light on the ultrasound screen. Out of the options that were given, we decided to take the one that put us in the hospital right away...after a long and painful process I delivered my baby girl at 3:55 am on January 31st. She was 14 ounces, 8 inches long...you could tell that her poor little body had been in so much distress and she didn't look anything close to what a 22 week baby would look like.

And I held her, and loved her...and although there are no words to describe the heart ache of that brief moment I felt peace knowing that she was healed...she was in Heaven with her Heavenly Father.

There is much more I want to share...but I want to end with saying thank you again for your prayers, love and support.

Sincerely, Rosalie, Michael and Baby Elle

"I'll try again tomorrow..."

14 Days...

It has been 14 days since I was told that I was going to lose my little baby...everyday I wake up, and I think about this gift that is inside of me, a little baby who's heart beat is still hanging on. My morning thoughts have pretty much been the same for the past 14 days...I wonder if today will be the day that I have to say goodbye...and I wonder how I'm going to do it. I don't know how many more days there will be when I have to wake up and ask myself that question but part of me is okay with it, because then that means that I don't have to say goodbye to this precious life that I carry inside of me...but I know that she needs to go home to be with her Heavenly Father.

It has been 20 days since my doctor first saw something...never did I think that that little check up would lead us to where it has today...

It has been about 105 days since we found out that our little family was going to be expecting a new little bundle of joy...and it has also been about that many days since we saw that little flicker of light on the ultrasound screen...a little heart beat...a heart beat that has forever changed our lives. I think about those days a lot...I remember the happiness I felt when I saw those two little lines, and when I heard that tiny heart beat. It has been quite the journey.

Yesterday, I finally got around to checking my voice messages, and I had a message from Dr. Brar's office saying that they have to cancel my appointment (it's tomorrow, Monday) because I have been transferred to Loma Linda hospital...I was very confused and shocked. I thought to myself, only people in serious conditions usually have to go there (unless there insurance is originally there of course)...and that can't be me! Of course I couldn't even call my insurance to figure out what I needed to do, and the maternity clinic was closed, so that meant that I'd have to wait...I was fine with the doctors I had, I was okay with the plan that we had for me, I was even more okay with delivering at St. Mary's because it's 5 minutes from Grandma and Grandpa's house where Hunter will most likely be, and it's where I know my surroundings and feel comfortable. Luckily, I got a lot of comforting and encouraging words from a lot of wonderful people, which gave me some peace, yet I still have fears. We are now going to get a second opinion and I'm worried that it could be different, and although we are ultimately in control, I don't want to be confused or have to make any different decisions. As the days pass, I wait for my Monday morning appointment, and tomorrow we would have been able to find out, first thing, whether or not her heart had stopped and if our loving Heavenly Father had decided to take her home. I've decided that that's how I want to find out...I don't want to all of a sudden go into labor, or start bleeding, or possibly have my water break, etc. Who knows where I would be when any of those things could happen, Michael could be down the hill at work, I'd most likely have Hunter with me...etc. So, ya, if you can't tell, I'm kind of scared about how everything's going to happen, so I wait and wait for my ultrasound and I really hope I'll be able to get one tomorrow.

I can honestly say that I've never felt so broken down in my whole entire life, but somehow I make it through each day, and everyday I discover something new...like today I realized while I was taking to a very dear friend, that because Heavenly Father knows what you are about to go through, He will prepare you. Today, I had questions for my dear sweet husband, and while I asked through all my tears if maybe we are going through this because we need to be prepared for something else, he replied, "Or maybe we are going through this because we are strong enough." Although I don't feel strong enough, I've been able to do some soul searching that I never would have done if it wasn't for this trial, and I have to remind myself and realize that I am getting through it...so there has to be some strength in there somewhere.

I am still waiting for when, "This too shall pass..." and although I have many fears and worries, I will always know that time will always move forward, and we have to move forward with it.

Yesterday, I saw the picture below...and it sums up everything right now...tomorrow I shall try again, because as of right now, that's all I can do, get through this day by day. For the first time in my life, I've really had to think about what makes my happy...at first I thought crafting and creating could help...and then it didn't...and then we went out for sushi (I've always felt like sushi can cure anything) and I was ready to go home before I was even done eating...I watched American Idol...I just kind of fast forward through...I've been able to teach a little bit...and it helped a little...I've thought about Disneyland, or taking a trip, which can always make me happy...and even the thought of it doesn't really help. This is honestly a very, very sad time for me...but I hold tight to the gospel and my family, I constantly listen to hymns and uplifting music, and I find courage to endure through this trying time.

Once again, thank you for your kind words, thoughts, prayers...I have been amazed by those who have taken the time to really reach out to me. Thank you doesn't seem like enough, but know that I am sincerely grateful for you.

Love, Rosalie, Michael and baby Elle

Day by Day

Monday January 23rd

Early morning appointment with Dr. Brar...on our way to the doctors Michael and I talk about how it was only one week ago that we found out that we were going to lose our baby. Usually, weeks go by pretty quickly, but I can honestly say that this has been the longest week of my life. Time just seems to be moving so slowly, but a part of me is grateful for that, because it means that I get to hold and carry my sweet daughter for just that much longer. On the other hand, at first I thought that time would help me to cope and get better...then I started realizing, more and more, that the more time passed, the closer I was getting to the inevitable...I have often asked myself, how does a mother endure this torment?

They started off with an ultrasound at Dr. Brar's office...Michael is able to see all the images and he said that even after one week, he sees more cysts around her body, the ones she already had were bigger and the swelling was worse. He said that it was hard to even make out any images of what a normal baby would look like...somehow her heartbeat is still normal...the nurse told us that there was more fluid around her heart. When she asked if I wanted to look, all I could do was cry, and I quickly said, "no". Next week, I'm going to prepare myself to look, and I kind of wish I had today. The doctor predicted that she could pass anywhere from days to weeks from now. I will now be monitored weekly...

A few hours later we went and saw Dr. Moneke for the first time since we found out. Bless my doctor and his compassionate heart... He listened so intently and we could really tell that he cared. We told him our decision to let our daughter pass in our Heavenly Father's time and he told us that he will stand by whatever decision we make. When I asked him if he had seen other cases like this, he said that he had, but the majority of the mothers had decided to terminate. He was very good about answering all my questions and I'm so grateful that he will be there to help deliver my baby. Unfortunately, he will be leaving the country for two weeks in February, but I hope that he will be around when I need him. One of my fears right now is having to go through labor...as all mother's know, it's not easy, and although I wouldn't be delivering a full term baby I do not look forward to experiencing any physical pain...the pain of having Hunter was very worth it, because in the end I had a baby to take home...when I asked about an epidural my doctor said "Absolutely, why should we make you go through pain when you don't need to." That eased my worries a little bit.

Once again, I would like to thank all those who have sent their condolences, prayed for us, and just told us that they are thinking about and love us. I've had some mothers share their stories with me, and that has meant a lot. I have been amazed by the compassion of not only long time friends, but people who have only known us for only a short time. I know that I am very quick to tell someone that I am praying for them, or thinking about them, and never did I think that I would be on the other side. Thank you for your empathy...After today, we feel a little bit closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, yet nothing about this feels easier and there isn't anything that will help us to feel peace except to stay close to our Heavenly Father and have faith in His plan.

Sincerely, Rosalie, Michael and baby Elle

My Days of Carrying Baby Elle Carmela

Monday January 9^th

18 week appointment with Dr. Moneke…I was told that he only gives ultrasounds 15 weeks and earlier and wasn’t planning to give me one (at this point I had already had 2 and the baby was perfectly healthy). I asked him if he would give me one so he could try and identify the gender, and I’m sure that he could see how anxious I was because he kindly agreed to give me one. He wasn’t able to see the gender, but he noticed two large black circles behind the baby’s head, and he was also a little concerned about how large the baby’s legs looked. He told me to get it checked out ASAP and a few hours later I received a more detailed US, once again the gender wasn’t determined, but the US tech saw the same thing he did, but we’d have to wait for the final results…

Wednesday January 11^th

Consult with Dr. Moneke to receive my results…he reads them under his breath, I hear him say something about cysts…but that was about it. I anxiously waited for answers, questioned him the best I can, but am only told that I needed to go see a specialist. He said that he didn’t trust results, and didn’t want to tell me anything…I am told that I needed to get looked at ASAP and being that the Dr. that he wanted to send me to was only in the office on Mondays, meant I’d have to wait for a few days to get more answers.

In the meantime…I’m not too worried…the baby was very active, had a strong heart beat and by the looks of it, it didn’t seem like we had anything to worry about. When Dr. Moneke was giving me my US I felt the baby kicking where he was pushing, and it felt so good to feel the baby inside of me. Everything seemed okay…

Monday January 16^th

A day I will never forget…I receive an US from Dr. Brar…although he was speaking so fast, and using so many words I didn’t understand, I was able to understand when he said that our baby’s heart will fail…It all seems like such a blur, and Michael was much better at internalizing the information while I sobbed and wept over the bad news. I tried my best to understand, but the large circles behind the baby’s neck are pockets of fluid connected to the baby. They baby is absorbing the fluid which is causing the body to swell, and soon (I say soon not really knowing a real timeline) the fluid will reach the heart which will cause it to fail. We are told that baby most likely won’t survive much longer, and that if it makes it to term, the baby would only be able to survive for a few days.

I replay the doctors words in my head, and although I know it’s a reality, there’s still a part of me that doesn’t feel like it really happened and that we are really living in the reality of losing our baby…

Tuesday January 17^th

A genetic counselor calls to give us the results of our amniocentesis test (where they draw fluid from the amniotic sac). We are told that our baby has Turner Syndrome…a few hours earlier I made the decision to know the gender of our baby…I knew that I wouldn’t be carrying this baby for much longer, and I wanted to try and be as close to my baby as possible. I hoped that this decision would give me some comfort or closure and at this point I was searching for any way possible to find even a little bit of peace…One of the first things the genetic counselor asked us was if we wanted to know the gender. I was not expecting this and how grateful I am to know that I was prepared to know whether or not we were going to have a son or daughter…sadly, Michael shook his head “no” but as the counselor proceeded to tell us that she will be able to better explain the defects he accepted the fact that we had to find out. Before I talk a little bit about Turner Syndrome, let me remind you that before our doctor even knew that she had TS he was able to predict our baby’s life JUST by her condition. Unfortunately, TS has caused life threatening symptoms which will cause our baby to pass and not have a life here on Earth…No…we are not God, nor is our doctor, we cannot know without a doubt what is going to happen, but through prayer, acceptance, the priesthood, and the reality of the situation, we know that our sweet little daughter will return to our Heavenly Father. I want you to know that I also have faith in miracles…they happen every day…but, I have to know that no matter what, our daughter is a miracle, me staying healthy and then being able to get pregnant again will be a miracle, Hunter is a miracle, and although she may not be healed to have a full healthy life here on Earth, she will still and always will be our little miracle…I’ve come to accept that sometimes we have to change what we want our miracle to be…There are females who have TS and are alive and living healthy lives, but every case is very different and unfortunately the cards that we were dealt don’t give us any hope of that being our case…If it was supposed to be that she had a chance, I’m sure that the doctor would have given us different answers.

Wednesday January 18^th

Only two days had passed, and I felt like it was the first time that I was able to face the day with somewhat normal activities. With that being said…I want to tell you what my biggest struggles were…when we found out her life threatening condition at Dr. Brar’s office on Monday, the option of terminating the baby came up…this is something that as a mother you would never, ever imagine would even have to think about…then there was the option of possibly being induced very early…some other things that I had to think about was that after 20 weeks of pregnancy it is usually considered a still born, not a miscarriage, (I will be 20 weeks on the 25^th) and then after 25 weeks you are required to bury your child and last of all…if we decided to wait it out, and go to term (38-40 weeks) how will my body be able to deliver? What are the risks with all these options? Is my baby in pain? How will I emotionally be able to hold on to my baby if she is strong enough to make it to term? I am in complete limbo. I cannot yet grieve the loss of my baby, so I continue to protect and love her the best that I can while she is a part of me. The hardest part of this all is that we don’t know what lies ahead…we just know that no matter what we will have to face it and get through it…

Thursday January 19^th

We meet with our Bishop…after his counsel and guidance we feel that we should give our baby every chance to live that we can…we wait and let Heavenly Father take her when it’s her time…It is that night that I am blessed with health and we are told that our daughter will eternally be with our family.

Friday January 20^th

Today…I wake up thinking about the decision that we made… this decision means that we would be about five weeks from knowing whether or not we will have to bury our sweet daughter. No parent should ever have to see the grave of one of their children…I’m still in awe and disbelief that this has happened to us. The days go by very slowly and I look forward to when “this too shall pass”. We meet with Dr. Brar and Dr. Moneke on Monday. It will be nice to get some more answers and feel like we are moving forward. Aside from those updates, I’ve discovered that creating (crafts), and being productive is helping me to cope. I’ve been able to get back to teaching a little bit…it helps take my mind off of everything…but I’m afraid that there’s going to be those days where I just won’t feel like doing anything…it’s hard for me to accept that not only has this tragedy happened, but I have to allow myself to figure out how to cope, grieve and find peace. I want you to know that I appreciate all the support that we have gotten so far. Parents of my students have been so wonderful and understanding, my close friends have been an amazing listening ear and have cried with me, our parents have been there every step of the way, I’ve had numerous people tell me that they are or already have put our names in the temple and our wonderful Bishop is going to ask the ward to fast for us this Sunday. This is a very tragic and devastating time, but we feel the prayers and love of everyone who is there for us. It means more than you know. I will do my best to keep everyone updated…Thank you for your sweet messages, and prayers.

Sincerely, Rosalie, Michael, and Baby Elle Carmela

Easter

It's the night before Easter and I can't wait for tomorrow morning. I almost feel like it's Christmas! I've never been so excited for Easter before...but this year it seems more special than the years passed.

It's my first Easter as a Mom...As all Mother's know, your perspective changes a LOT when that little baby enters your life, and I think one of the biggest ways I've been changed is by my perspective on the atonement. There have been so many times that I look at my baby, and my heart is overflowing with joy because I know that the Savior lived and died for him. Hunter has changed my life in so many ways, but I honestly think that this is one of the best ways that he has changed me.

Growing up I never understood what Easter was about. I knew about the little marshmallow Peeps candys, jelly beans, the Easter Bunny, etc. but I never knew the real meaning of Easter. Because of this, I have decided that I'm not going to have the tradition of having my kids take pictures with the Easter Bunny. When I told this to Michael, he brought up the point of Santa Claus, and I was ready for that. Christmas, in my opinion, is easier to understand than Easter. I don't think that Santa can cloud the Christmas holiday as much as the Easter Bunny can. Santa at least gave to others by bringing them gifts, but what does the Easter Bunny offer? Now don't get me wrong, there can be a fun side to Easter. I did get Hunter a little basket, but I put his first "Easter" book in it, along with some other fun baby stuff, but he's still little. I may be contradicting myself by having an Easter basket, but there's the small fun stuff I still want to do. I've just decided that actually taking a trip to the Easter Bunny doesn't have any benefit to teaching my children about the true meaning of Easter. Now, if you take yours kids to the Easter Bunny, don't worry I won't judge you! hahaha I think my decision has a lot to do with how I understood Easter as a child.

Tomorrow, my dear, sweet friend Ginger Olsen and I are singing in church. We are singing the song "O, Lord My Redeemer". If you have not heard this song, you have to! (Below) It's the first time I've sung in church since I've had Hunter, and I'm hoping to make it through the song. Music has such a special place in my heart and how grateful I am to be able to share it, especially when I'm singing about something as sacred as Easter. I will never feel worthy enough to sing about something as special as the atonement, but I'm going to try my best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDjjxJDc0Xs&feature=related

Oh and I'm really excited because I'm starting the tradition of all of us matching as a family. I know of a few families that match every Sunday, and I think it's so cute! But due to my lack of Sunday clothes, Michael and I wouldn't be able to do that but I thought that at least once a year we can go to church wearing the same colors and looking like twinners. I got him his first little Easter suit and I can't wait to dress him in it tomorrow! Ya...I know, I treat him like my little dolly, but I can't help it! It's SO fun!

How grateful I am to know what Easter is all about...and as I say that, I still feel like there is so much more to learn about the atonement and what it really means. I've been looking forward to this day when all the Christians are celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It's the most important event that happened in the history of man...and I am eternally grateful.

Happy Easter everyone! He is risen!

Life as a Mommy

For a while I've been wanting to write about my life as a "Mommy"...

I've now been living the "Mommy" life for about 8 months now and it is Heaven. While I was pregnant, I tried to picture what it would be like, but it was too hard to imagine. I knew it would be great, but that's about it. I wondered how I would feel not working, not always running around from place to place (well, I still kinda do that) and having to slow down a little bit. As long as I could remember I have been living life in the fast lane. School, work, rehearsals, teaching, directing, shows...it's like the list never ended...

My life right now...I teach about 30 wonderful students voice and piano, I've started a "Fun With Music" class that I teach here at my house once a week (I have bigger plans for that in the future!) I'm still doing some parties/wedding/showers on the side, working for the Town of Apple Valley "part" time, feeding my creative outlet by performing and doing crafts (it sounds so old fashioned, but I LOVE paper! hehe), being a good (or decent haha) house wife by cleaning, cooking, loving etc. and the best part...being a MOM. I guess that still sounds like a lot, but my life really has slowed down!

I spend most of my day just being at home...some days I don't even leave the house! (Well...that's partly because I have students coming to me all day) but I still wouldn't change a thing. Before I was Mom, I couldn't even remember the last time I had a whole day to just be at home. I remember thinking to myself, I can't wait for the day when I get to wake up and think, "All I have to do today is take care of my little boy." Those days have finally come and it's a dream...if I could pick anything else in the world...I wouldn't. This is it.

I love putting everything side and playing with my special little boy. Sometimes he attacks my face, and I could care less that my face ends up covered in slobber, and my hair all messed up. He usually throws up on me once a day, gets crabby whens he's tired, has hated going to sleep in his own bed, but he smiles, laughs, plays, loves his bath time, loves to explore, is curious...he's my little prince...he's perfect. Life as a Mommy...perfect.